Heart Hurts

What are they for, these hurts of the heart? What's the purpose? I wish I knew the answers. The following is a long blog, but I post it here--musings pealed from my journal--in hopes that it may encourage someone else going through a difficult time. Trust God! Fight to trust Him!

Summer, 2008
Here I sit at my computer on the eve of my 24th birthday. It’s not exactly what I had envisioned for this day when I bought my journal a couple months ago. The front cover says, “Faith, Hope & Love.” I thought that I knew what that would mean to me. Now it seems that I was wrong. Yet, perhaps the meaning is something even more significant than I would have ever dared (or wished) to dream. I don’t know what the following pages of this book will hold, but I do know that the past month or so has been significantly different than I expected. But do I wish that it were what I did expect? I don’t think I can dare to wish that in light of Who my God is and what He is doing in and through my life...He seldom seems to work in His child’s life without wanting to share it with others. I think Uncle Oswald [Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest] says that we should wrestle through what God is teaching us until we can explain it to others. Oh Lord, speak to and through me now. Give me clarity to express what You seem to be doing in my life.

It was a week ago that [my boyfriend]...broke up with me. Tears—I cried then and I’ve cried since, a lot. But, as I said I would before I knew the outcome, I praise God for what He has done—though it is not what I wanted. He is faithful. He is teaching me that He is to be trusted. He is teaching me that He can be trusted even in the midst of pain. As much as I wish that [he] had come back [from an intentional month-long separation to pray about where to take our relationship] and said, “I love you and want to marry you,” I look forward to what God will do through this “no.” And still, I do ask God “Why?” and I ask Him to bring [him] back to me. But, above my own desires, I DO NOT want a “king.” I asked God to do His will and to make it clear...And He did. God is faithful.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of a conversation that was more bathed in prayer. God gave so much grace to both of us. Since then I have been so upheld in prayer. I have been so blessed by the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have seen the family of Christ in a new light. What a blessing! I am loved. Oh how grateful I am to see and feel their love!

Several months ago...I wrote: Father, I don’t know how to change this heart of mine. In fact, I cannot. I’ve wondered how this morning & recall something Jonathan Edwards said (which I read in the booklet In Our Joy), “Therefore, endeavor to promote spiritual appetites by laying yourself in the way of allurement.” (p. 41). Father, Your Word & prayer, etc. is the way. Show me the way! I just remember thinking, how in the world can my heart change? I am powerless to change myself. I don’t know how God works to change hard hearts. I am beginning to see. I am so far from being what I wish and need to be. I fall so far short, for “the sin I do not want to do I keep on doing…Who will rescue me?...” Oh Jesus, thank you that YOU will rescue me!

God answers prayer. This is one of the things that He has been showing me. This is one of the ways that I am seeing that He changes hearts. Prayer. I have asked God for several months to be my “treasure.”...I never imagined that God would take me so seriously. I also know that just because God has chosen to answer my prayer this way doesn’t mean He uses this method with all His children. But, I do know now that God answers our prayers! [In the previous months] I began to see what it means for Christ to be my treasure. I realized during that time that there are two aspects to this. Christ is my Treasure. When all is stripped away, or in this case, when my earthly treasure was stripped away...I saw that Jesus Christ is indeed my Treasure. He is the treasure of any child of His. Yet, I also realized that in another sense He wants to “become” my treasure. In other words, He wants to become more my Treasure. He wants to be my all in all. He wants me to be so filled with Him that whether in plenty or want I recognize Him as my ultimate Treasure. This is the kind of Treasure that I think He is working to make Himself to me during this painful time. So, God took my prayer seriously. He uses prayer to change us. He answers prayer. God, full of compassion and love, said, “Ok, my daughter, I will be your Treasure. It will cost you, but it will be worth it.”

At first I had to put [him] on the altar—my “Isaac.” I hoped and prayed that God would give him back like he did Abraham’s Isaac. In fact, I still pray that at times. However, God has said “no.” He has accepted my sacrifice. He has completely removed this earthly treasure. But, I trust Him that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes” (Rom. 8:28). Right now the future looks bleak at times. At other times the Lord allows me to get excited. Either way, I must walk by faith. I have seen God’s faithfulness in my own life in the past. I read about His faithfulness to others in His Word and in other books. I am blessed by the love and compassion poured out by so many friends and family. God is so good. He has richly blessed me. He has taken away a very dear friend. He has removed the man who I thought would be the love of my life. But, He shows me steadfast love. "He is not safe, but He is good." I don’t know what the future holds, but I thank God that He is in control and that He is working all things for my good and that He is using this to draw me closer to His heart. Oh, “more love to Thee O Christ. More love to Thee!” So, in the midst of this all I hope and pray that Christ will become more dear to me than He has ever been before. May He truly be my Treasure—my First Love, my True Love!