Heart Hurts II

Perhaps this would be best titled, Preaching to Myself.
This is yet another journal entry, written (as it says)
several months after the previous blog.

November 16, 2008

Hum…A lot has happened over the past several months. It’s been about 3 ½ months now since [he] left my life. Do I still want him back? Well, part of me. Do I still cry? Sometimes…not as often. I miss the companionship…the belonging…the “knowing” who he is. I long to be married…I long to be loved…I long to know—to be settled, to find my “other half.”

The flip side: I am having a blast. I am clueless. But, I’m having so much fun. God has provided new friends—and lots of them at that—girls and guys. We’re doing all sorts of fun activities that I never had or made time for before. I have so much freedom—no one to have to worry about. I’m free to pick up and go for the first time ever. I could move if the Lord opened a door. School is over. I don’t have anything tying me down. It’s a special time of life—a time I’ve never before experienced and wouldn’t have if I had gotten married. So, that is fun. Life has endless possibilities…

But—it’s blank. And, that’s where the hope comes in. God is teaching me to trust Him like never before. I am so clueless about my future. I guess I’ve always been, really. It’s not like I could actually know what the future holds. But, in the past I’ve always had a plan—right now I don’t. I don’t have a single plan. [I had just recently been laid-off from my job because of the economy.] I’ve walked through the last open door—going to Atlanta to take the Orton-Gillingham training. Now, I have a new week ahead of me, a list of “to-dos” and not a single life plan. But, God is teaching me to trust Him. He’s teaching me the meaning of faith and giving me lots of opportunities to practice it. I’m a planner. I want to have my schedule all figured out. But, I’m learning to say, “God, do things on your schedule.”

In the meantime, I feel so blessed. I am well taken care of. My sweet parents have so willingly provided me a place to live, food to eat, and so many other things—including friendship and godly counsel. I look forward to deepening my relationships with them over the next ???.

Right now my priority is figuring out what the Lord wants me to do next. I feel like for Him to close so many doors (in some ways it seems like “all” I’ve faced lately is “closed doors”), He must have a very special open one ahead. Oh, Father, help me trust You in faith till I see with sight! My desire is to have a “dream job.” I’d love to have an adventure...But, I want it only if that’s the Lord’s will. I don’t want to want what I want at all costs. I want to want His will regardless of whether that means I have to wait and wait. I believe it will be worth the wait. I know—I have to believe!—that He is in control. Who else would I turn to? Who else can I hope in? Certainly not myself! I sure know how to mess things up. “Who can deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ my Lord!”

I think God has big things in store. Too much has been turned upside down this year. I’ve read so many devotionals and verses that have encouraged and strengthened me. God has to be up to something. He doesn’t “destroy” unless it’s to make something better. I think God is just housecleaning right now in my life—and, actually, in my community. I don’t know what He’s doing. But, I think it’s something big. I think He wants to do something with me and my friends and my family. I think that He wants to do something special with my church. I am no prophet. But, God just seems to be up to something. There’s too much going “wrong” (according to human plans). God must be preparing for something incredible. Only time will tell. Only God can do it. I just look forward with anticipation to seeing Him work. “What a mighty God we serve!

I’ve seen God use “my hurt” to help me minister to others. He’s opened up friendships, allowed for me to share, helped me to better empathize with others’ hurts, deepened me, matured me, and grown my faith. Well, that is, He’s currently doing these things, I think. No—I know. He works all things for good for His own. According to the title of a book I recently purchased, “God never wastes a hurt.” I’ve read verses that confirm this. He IS up to something. “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay” (Habakkuk 2:3). Oh, here’s another one—this one seems to confirm what I’m feeling regarding what God’s doing on a bigger scale than just my personal life. “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told” (Habakkuk 1:5). Then, there’s that verse that says He does “above and beyond all that we can ask or imagine.” I believe this. I have to believe this.

Who else would I go to? Who else has the words of eternal life…of hope in the midst of disappointment…of promise after pain…of joy from sorrow…of life from death? Who else but Jesus—my Jesus! Oh, I don’t deserve Him. I don’t love Him enough, want Him enough, seek Him enough, obey Him enough. But, He is the faithful One. He is the Rock. He embodies love. He shows steadfast love. Why? I don’t know. Oh, yes I do! It’s “for His Name and His Word.” And, He’s inviting me to join Him. To know Him. To enjoy Him. I don’t know a lot, but I do know that the more I learn, the more I like. I just want to know Him more. I want to learn to rest in Him. “In returning and rest you shall be saved. In quietness and in trust shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15). “Wait on the Lord. Take heart and wait on the Lord.” I’m just gonna keep preaching to myself…and eventually I think I’ll “see.”

Eventually, maybe all that I’ve just written will sink into my heart and really take root. Maybe I’ll really, truly, completely believe these words I’ve written. I know they’re true…but pain hurts. Faith is not sight. Hope is not in present circumstances. My emotions come and go. All I know is that I don’t know—but He does. All I can do is keep on preaching to myself and hope in His steadfast love!