Heart Hurts II

Perhaps this would be best titled, Preaching to Myself.
This is yet another journal entry, written (as it says)
several months after the previous blog.

November 16, 2008

Hum…A lot has happened over the past several months. It’s been about 3 ½ months now since [he] left my life. Do I still want him back? Well, part of me. Do I still cry? Sometimes…not as often. I miss the companionship…the belonging…the “knowing” who he is. I long to be married…I long to be loved…I long to know—to be settled, to find my “other half.”

The flip side: I am having a blast. I am clueless. But, I’m having so much fun. God has provided new friends—and lots of them at that—girls and guys. We’re doing all sorts of fun activities that I never had or made time for before. I have so much freedom—no one to have to worry about. I’m free to pick up and go for the first time ever. I could move if the Lord opened a door. School is over. I don’t have anything tying me down. It’s a special time of life—a time I’ve never before experienced and wouldn’t have if I had gotten married. So, that is fun. Life has endless possibilities…

But—it’s blank. And, that’s where the hope comes in. God is teaching me to trust Him like never before. I am so clueless about my future. I guess I’ve always been, really. It’s not like I could actually know what the future holds. But, in the past I’ve always had a plan—right now I don’t. I don’t have a single plan. [I had just recently been laid-off from my job because of the economy.] I’ve walked through the last open door—going to Atlanta to take the Orton-Gillingham training. Now, I have a new week ahead of me, a list of “to-dos” and not a single life plan. But, God is teaching me to trust Him. He’s teaching me the meaning of faith and giving me lots of opportunities to practice it. I’m a planner. I want to have my schedule all figured out. But, I’m learning to say, “God, do things on your schedule.”

In the meantime, I feel so blessed. I am well taken care of. My sweet parents have so willingly provided me a place to live, food to eat, and so many other things—including friendship and godly counsel. I look forward to deepening my relationships with them over the next ???.

Right now my priority is figuring out what the Lord wants me to do next. I feel like for Him to close so many doors (in some ways it seems like “all” I’ve faced lately is “closed doors”), He must have a very special open one ahead. Oh, Father, help me trust You in faith till I see with sight! My desire is to have a “dream job.” I’d love to have an adventure...But, I want it only if that’s the Lord’s will. I don’t want to want what I want at all costs. I want to want His will regardless of whether that means I have to wait and wait. I believe it will be worth the wait. I know—I have to believe!—that He is in control. Who else would I turn to? Who else can I hope in? Certainly not myself! I sure know how to mess things up. “Who can deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ my Lord!”

I think God has big things in store. Too much has been turned upside down this year. I’ve read so many devotionals and verses that have encouraged and strengthened me. God has to be up to something. He doesn’t “destroy” unless it’s to make something better. I think God is just housecleaning right now in my life—and, actually, in my community. I don’t know what He’s doing. But, I think it’s something big. I think He wants to do something with me and my friends and my family. I think that He wants to do something special with my church. I am no prophet. But, God just seems to be up to something. There’s too much going “wrong” (according to human plans). God must be preparing for something incredible. Only time will tell. Only God can do it. I just look forward with anticipation to seeing Him work. “What a mighty God we serve!

I’ve seen God use “my hurt” to help me minister to others. He’s opened up friendships, allowed for me to share, helped me to better empathize with others’ hurts, deepened me, matured me, and grown my faith. Well, that is, He’s currently doing these things, I think. No—I know. He works all things for good for His own. According to the title of a book I recently purchased, “God never wastes a hurt.” I’ve read verses that confirm this. He IS up to something. “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay” (Habakkuk 2:3). Oh, here’s another one—this one seems to confirm what I’m feeling regarding what God’s doing on a bigger scale than just my personal life. “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told” (Habakkuk 1:5). Then, there’s that verse that says He does “above and beyond all that we can ask or imagine.” I believe this. I have to believe this.

Who else would I go to? Who else has the words of eternal life…of hope in the midst of disappointment…of promise after pain…of joy from sorrow…of life from death? Who else but Jesus—my Jesus! Oh, I don’t deserve Him. I don’t love Him enough, want Him enough, seek Him enough, obey Him enough. But, He is the faithful One. He is the Rock. He embodies love. He shows steadfast love. Why? I don’t know. Oh, yes I do! It’s “for His Name and His Word.” And, He’s inviting me to join Him. To know Him. To enjoy Him. I don’t know a lot, but I do know that the more I learn, the more I like. I just want to know Him more. I want to learn to rest in Him. “In returning and rest you shall be saved. In quietness and in trust shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15). “Wait on the Lord. Take heart and wait on the Lord.” I’m just gonna keep preaching to myself…and eventually I think I’ll “see.”

Eventually, maybe all that I’ve just written will sink into my heart and really take root. Maybe I’ll really, truly, completely believe these words I’ve written. I know they’re true…but pain hurts. Faith is not sight. Hope is not in present circumstances. My emotions come and go. All I know is that I don’t know—but He does. All I can do is keep on preaching to myself and hope in His steadfast love!

Heart Hurts

What are they for, these hurts of the heart? What's the purpose? I wish I knew the answers. The following is a long blog, but I post it here--musings pealed from my journal--in hopes that it may encourage someone else going through a difficult time. Trust God! Fight to trust Him!

Summer, 2008
Here I sit at my computer on the eve of my 24th birthday. It’s not exactly what I had envisioned for this day when I bought my journal a couple months ago. The front cover says, “Faith, Hope & Love.” I thought that I knew what that would mean to me. Now it seems that I was wrong. Yet, perhaps the meaning is something even more significant than I would have ever dared (or wished) to dream. I don’t know what the following pages of this book will hold, but I do know that the past month or so has been significantly different than I expected. But do I wish that it were what I did expect? I don’t think I can dare to wish that in light of Who my God is and what He is doing in and through my life...He seldom seems to work in His child’s life without wanting to share it with others. I think Uncle Oswald [Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest] says that we should wrestle through what God is teaching us until we can explain it to others. Oh Lord, speak to and through me now. Give me clarity to express what You seem to be doing in my life.

It was a week ago that [my boyfriend]...broke up with me. Tears—I cried then and I’ve cried since, a lot. But, as I said I would before I knew the outcome, I praise God for what He has done—though it is not what I wanted. He is faithful. He is teaching me that He is to be trusted. He is teaching me that He can be trusted even in the midst of pain. As much as I wish that [he] had come back [from an intentional month-long separation to pray about where to take our relationship] and said, “I love you and want to marry you,” I look forward to what God will do through this “no.” And still, I do ask God “Why?” and I ask Him to bring [him] back to me. But, above my own desires, I DO NOT want a “king.” I asked God to do His will and to make it clear...And He did. God is faithful.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of a conversation that was more bathed in prayer. God gave so much grace to both of us. Since then I have been so upheld in prayer. I have been so blessed by the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have seen the family of Christ in a new light. What a blessing! I am loved. Oh how grateful I am to see and feel their love!

Several months ago...I wrote: Father, I don’t know how to change this heart of mine. In fact, I cannot. I’ve wondered how this morning & recall something Jonathan Edwards said (which I read in the booklet In Our Joy), “Therefore, endeavor to promote spiritual appetites by laying yourself in the way of allurement.” (p. 41). Father, Your Word & prayer, etc. is the way. Show me the way! I just remember thinking, how in the world can my heart change? I am powerless to change myself. I don’t know how God works to change hard hearts. I am beginning to see. I am so far from being what I wish and need to be. I fall so far short, for “the sin I do not want to do I keep on doing…Who will rescue me?...” Oh Jesus, thank you that YOU will rescue me!

God answers prayer. This is one of the things that He has been showing me. This is one of the ways that I am seeing that He changes hearts. Prayer. I have asked God for several months to be my “treasure.”...I never imagined that God would take me so seriously. I also know that just because God has chosen to answer my prayer this way doesn’t mean He uses this method with all His children. But, I do know now that God answers our prayers! [In the previous months] I began to see what it means for Christ to be my treasure. I realized during that time that there are two aspects to this. Christ is my Treasure. When all is stripped away, or in this case, when my earthly treasure was stripped away...I saw that Jesus Christ is indeed my Treasure. He is the treasure of any child of His. Yet, I also realized that in another sense He wants to “become” my treasure. In other words, He wants to become more my Treasure. He wants to be my all in all. He wants me to be so filled with Him that whether in plenty or want I recognize Him as my ultimate Treasure. This is the kind of Treasure that I think He is working to make Himself to me during this painful time. So, God took my prayer seriously. He uses prayer to change us. He answers prayer. God, full of compassion and love, said, “Ok, my daughter, I will be your Treasure. It will cost you, but it will be worth it.”

At first I had to put [him] on the altar—my “Isaac.” I hoped and prayed that God would give him back like he did Abraham’s Isaac. In fact, I still pray that at times. However, God has said “no.” He has accepted my sacrifice. He has completely removed this earthly treasure. But, I trust Him that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes” (Rom. 8:28). Right now the future looks bleak at times. At other times the Lord allows me to get excited. Either way, I must walk by faith. I have seen God’s faithfulness in my own life in the past. I read about His faithfulness to others in His Word and in other books. I am blessed by the love and compassion poured out by so many friends and family. God is so good. He has richly blessed me. He has taken away a very dear friend. He has removed the man who I thought would be the love of my life. But, He shows me steadfast love. "He is not safe, but He is good." I don’t know what the future holds, but I thank God that He is in control and that He is working all things for my good and that He is using this to draw me closer to His heart. Oh, “more love to Thee O Christ. More love to Thee!” So, in the midst of this all I hope and pray that Christ will become more dear to me than He has ever been before. May He truly be my Treasure—my First Love, my True Love!

Not even cute

I was talking with a dear friend recently about some life "issues"--namely, one of those heart-rending events that doesn't make sense. It was of God, appointed by Him, but it just left a lot of questions to be answered. Anyway, this particular night, my friend told me about a talk she had had with God regarding this issue. She told Him: "God, it's not funny," and then went on to say, "It's not even cute." At this we both cracked up. Perhaps it was the late hour, or perhaps it was just the ludicrousness of telling God that what He did just wasn't "cute."

I don't repeat this to be disrespectful. I repeat it because I think it speaks our hearts. In the Bible, the psalmists were very open with the Lord. They cried out and questioned Him. They did not understand His ways--and told Him so. So often we try to sound "spiritual" in the way we talk, but we're just crying out in our hearts: "God, it's not funny!" We think (though we don't dare say it) that He's being mean. Yet we know that He is omniscient and that He is all-loving. So, we trust Him--and we cry. We moan, "It's not even cute," and then we beg for faith to follow Him in the darkness.

I think--I dare to hope--that this is the walk of faith. Hebrews says faith is believing what we do not see. So much of life must be lived this way. Heartbreaks must be lived this way. We cry out, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" We don't see the humor in the situation. We might even have to stretch our imaginations to see any good in it. But, we trust. And as we trust we begin to see that He is faithful. We see that His promises are sure. We see that we can trust Him, for He is trustworthy.

The circumstances may not be funny. They may not even be cute. But, the GOD of the circumstances is...well, He's there all along, with us through it all. And, in the process we find that we're coming to love Him more!